Wednesday, April 30, 2008


In my sixteen years of drug use I spent some cash. Here's a break down of the money I spent. I was a little conservative with my usage estimates. The numbers are staggering...even to me.

Marijuana.............. $334,000
Pain pills.................$576,000

Total........................$2,157,580.00 in sixteen years

And to think, I can't afford to buy milk today.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


Dope-sickness is the term used to describe a state one is in during the physical withdrawals from drugs; most commonly opiates.

Let me paint a picture for you. Imagine being so incredibly hot like you have a fever of one hundred four degrees. You're sweating profusely and your skin feels like its on fire from underneath it. Then imagine feeling incredibly cold. So much though that you have chills from head to toe. Your gut has pains that are equivalent to being stabbed repeatedly with an ice pick. Sounds awful,, right? Well, there's more, my friends....much more. Keep in mind that you are feeling all these sensations simultaneously. While your temperature is fluctuating and your gut is cramping you also have a horrible feeling of your skin "crawling". It's as though a zillion ants are all over you. You even punch and slap yourself randomly hoping it will cease. It feels like razor blades are being raked over your entire body while someone smashes your lower back with a baseball bat at full force. The need to squirm and twitch is relentless. Every time you swallow it's as if a rock is sliding down your throat only to hit your stomach like a ton of bricks making you nauseous but unable to purge....yet. Even your hair and fingernails hurt. The air against your skin might as well be poison darts penetrating your flesh at high velocity.

This only gets more and more intense; every second of every minute of everyday!!! Oh yes, time is but a master of pain, delivering more with each passing moment. It is the most brutal torture one can endure. The only reprieve I had was knowing I will die eventually. And I prayed and held on to the hope that I wouldn't live another second.

One would assume that after experiencing such agony, the desire for drugs would be immediately erased. I mean it would be crazy, absolutely insane, to pick up a drug that would ultimately leave you in that state of hell again. Well my friends, welcome to the demon I call addiction.

The only thing worse than feeling dope-sick is watching someone you care about feel it and be going through it. I think every time I witnessed another going to that hellish place, I relived the agony as well. All opiates have this similar, if not identical, detox (physical withdrawal).

I never knew there were degrees of this, however. The first time you go through it is the worst. You just don't know how bad it can hurt. Nothing in life can be compared to dope-sickness. It is its own entity. My first time was off the mac-daddy opiate: Oxycontin.

Oxycontin, or synthetic heroin, as it's called, is one of the most brutal drugs to detox from. It was no picnic to detox off heroin either. But because Oxycontin was my first dance with detox, it was by far the worst. I know Oxycontins ( O.C.'s) are pills, but I don't think I've ever eaten one in my life. After removing the time release, I'd snort them. I was up to four eighty milligram pills a day.

I couldn't get out of bed without snorting a quarter of one in the beginning. It wasn't long before I was snorting a whole one in the morning, one by lunch, one before work, and one after work. At forty dollars a pill this was not a cheap habit! But after detoxing once, I promised myself I'd never ever run out again. Ha!

Things to consider: your supplier getting busted or your funds being depleted. Not to mention the way it blankets your soul. Eventually, I wasn't even getting high. My opiate receptors needed the drug to simply be "normal." People would notice more if I wasn't on it than if I was. I couldn't''t do anything.

The bad thing about picking up after your first run with dope-sickness is that you know you lived through it...somehow. And you know what to expect. Every time is still an unbelievable nightmare, but you get used to it.

I must have gone through detoxing a million times. There is no way to make iit stop early but to pick-up and use again to relieve the pain. My advice, ride it out. Yes, it is going to feel like it will never end. And you will welcome the idea of dying. But remember, everytime you interrupt your body's desire to rid itself of these poisons, you only post-pone the inveitable. You will have to do it eventually unless you overdose and die first. Think of it like this: it's going to be at least three days of the worst you've ever felt in your life. Probably more like five days before you get slightly better. You can plan on feeling crappy for a month. A month may seem like forever now, but after it's over, you will thank yourself.

I promise it's not easy....but you're worth the effort!

I know I couldn't go through it again. If I pick up heroin or Oxycontin again I might as well do it in the cemetery. My only detox left is death.

Friday, April 11, 2008


When I say I loved my "X", I'm referring to ecstasy, the designer drug. Ecstasy's main ingredient is MDMA (methylendioxymethamphetimine). Ecstasy is a synthetic, psychoactive drug. The main ingredient, MDMA, affects the neurons in the brain that uses serotonin. Serotonin directly affects things like mood, sleep patterns, sexual urges, and response to pain as well as aggression.

If you've ever been on it, or around others who are "rolling", you can see how "touchy-feely" people became and how easily aroused everyone can become. After a night of eating about ten pills of Ecstasy, I asked a boy, Timmy, to move in when I had only known him for about twelve hours. Whew! What a night! It turned into three crazy years that I wouldn't trade for anything. But the majority of our relationship was spent using Ecstasy.

It was virtually impossible to get the same "high" from Ecstasy two days in a row. We used about three or four nights a week. When we were on it, we seemed to perform the same rituals. For example, we always listened to techno music. Everything becomes so heightened on Ecstasy that music transcends you to another realm, or so it seems. Because, MDMA, in high doses, affects the body's temperature, we'd need it very cool in the apartment. Sometimes we'd take a shower or bath. Wow, I struggle to accurately describe how incredibly altered sensations to the skin become. A soft touch on your arm can be felt through your whole body as if angels are kissing your skin with lips of velvet.

Sex is out of this world. It's no wonder this drug was designed to be used to aid couples with counselling issues. Psychiatrists used it for couples in small amounts to help them be more open with one another.

This amazing state of euphoria came with a cost! It wasn't cheap at all. Because Timmy and I had such a tolerance, we each ate at least ten per night. So twenty pills per night at three nights a week was sixty pills weekly; eqivalent to six hundred dollars per week. Doing more calculations, this was $31,200 each year! Buying whip-its, gum, pacifiers, Vick's vapor rub, orange juice, vitamin C, bubbles,black lights, laser lights, body paint and music was all part of our "rituals" and expenses.

Not only did this fantastic state of being cost dollars, it came with a price we paid in health. Let me go over some of the physical effects of Ecstasy: increase in heart rate and blood pressure, muscle tension (massages are given for hours), teeth clenching (pacifiers are used to aid with this), nausea, blurred vision, chills, sweating, liver and kidney problems, confusion, anxiety, brain over-heating, even death. I'm sorry to say I have lost friends to Ecstasy related deaths.

Somehow, when faced with the potential "scoring" of Ecstasy, we were willing to chance death.

There are serious psychological effects of ecstasy and MDMA as well. From personal experience, depression is imminent after use. Occasionally I would crave it the next day, but after trying to use it a couple times, I discovered it was better to wait in order to attain the desired affect.

I spent from age twenty-nine to thirty-one using Ecstasy every week with my boyfriend at the time, who was, incidentally, eighteen years old when we met. Once we stopped using ecstasy our relationship fizzled out.

MDMA, after prolonged use, does impair judgement and reasoning up to seven years after use. Also, brain neurons are damaged for years. I never met a drug I didn't fall in love with. Ecstasy was no different. However, I deal with the residual effects on a daily basis.

Again I say, it's just insane to put a drug in your body that ultimately is going to destroy your health and metal well-being. It catches-up....I'm living proof.


It was 1996. I decided to take a break from "dancing" . There was a little dive called "The Scoreboard". It was a strip club with a pool table, video games and a bar area. It was definitely a "3" on the scale of one to ten (with ten being the luxury "gentleman's club" like The Cheetah and one being barely a hole in the wall).

It was a step down from my home club, but I was waitressing and making great money.

It was April 18th. This night started like all the rest. I worked until two a.m. and Jesse came to hang out. There was a group of us that "partied" together; the bar tender at the time, the owner, D.J.'s, and a guy we called "Stick, Jesse and I. We all liked cooking up cocaine and smoking it. It's like crack, but not. It's simply cocaine, baking soda and water. No nasty additives. Well, no nastier than cocaine that is.

We all got quite high. Jesse and I got some more to take back to the house like usual. We were serious drug addicts. We were taking hit after hit for a good five or six hours when I started getting one hell of a headache. It was like someone had my head in a vice.

I kept smoking coke for about an hour longer when I began vomiting after every hit and rushing to the bedroom to lie down with my eyes closed from the pain. By this time, my headache was monumental. Jesse encouraged me to just stop and chill out. He was worried. We had done this for days straight sometimes and I never had this reaction.

After about another hour, I couldn't smoke. I just lied down and cried. In a few minutes I smelled burning rubber. It was so strong it was like someone was peeling out in my house! Jesse came running and demanded I let him take me to the hospital. I conceded begrudgingly.

I wanted my mom there and she did live on he same street up a ways. We rode by, but she was at the AA room collecting her chip for staying sober some odd number of years. The AA people didn't know about her crack addiction, but the chip was for alcoholism. At the time I didn't know this was where she was.

The hospital was a surreal experience. They did CT scans, and blood tests but couldn't see anything. They were just going to send me home with pain pills. While I was with Jesse in the room waiting to be discharged, a doctor we hadn't met yet came in. This was the first and only time we ever saw him. He explained that I shouldn't be having that much pain still and he asked if I'd sign the waiver allowing a spinal tap.

I was willing to do anything that would subside the pain. I agreed and soon thereafter another doctor entered. All I can remember is the doctor telling me to get in the fetal position and cough. It was over before I realized it. Jesse, being the jester he was told me to cough again. I was so out of it I thought it was still the doctor for a second. After I realized it was just him we both laughed.

When the results came in they said there was blood in the spinal fluid which indicated a problem. An angiogram was then ordered. For those that don't know, this is where you lie on a table and a needle is inserted into the groin area where they shoot dye into your vain up to your brain. This illuminates every vessel when they look at it through a scope.

Finally, a resolution! They found a berry aneurysm. That is when everyone stepped up the pace. Jesse had gotten in touch with Mom and she came in explaining an aneurysm. She said it's like an air bubble on a tire, the vehicle being my brain and the tire being a blood vessel . The bubble gets bigger and bigger until it pops. Once it pops death is imminent.

Two percent of Americans are born with a berry aneurysm. It is a congenital defect. There are usually no symptoms. As crazy as it sounds, had I not been smoking cocaine and agitating the aneurysm, it probably would have grown for years and one day popped with no warning in my forties.

Needless to say I needed brain surgery.

There were no guarantees on what my condition would be following the surgery. I remember telling my Mom to please "tell Daddy I'm sorry". Although he and I had a strained relationship, I've never stopped wanting his approval. Although becoming a stripper and drug addict weren't the best choices for that!

Once the doctors had cut open my skull and exposed the brain, my aneurysm ruptured. This added to the chance of paralysis, loss of memory, and speech impairment. Luckily, they were able to re-route my blood flow by putting in a titanium clip.

Miraculously I came out with everything "normal". I had staples from behind my left ear to the center of my head and much bruising on my face. It was a seven-day stay in the hospital after I got out of I.C.U.. I went to recover at my grandmother's after that for a month or so.

I'm amazed I'm alive. I'm amazed how that incident didn't stop me from doing drugs. I used for ten more years! I didn't stop with crack.... be continued

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Do you suffer from stomach pain, arthritis pain, back pain, or general body aches? If your answer is no, you're a rarity! Most of us have these afflictions at one time or another.

A common remedy to these problems is popping an over-the-counter pill and some people choose prescription drugs as an answer.

I have exciting news! Did you know that your diet can cure these problems without drugs? There are some fantastic natural remedies that really work.

Pineapple has been called the "natural Advil". It is a natural cure for inflammation. It has been noted that a man actually cured his back pain by eating pineapple for three days. Because of its properties, it is ideal for arthritis pain as well. Another great pain blocker is the blueberry. It is also highly recognized for its amazing pain-relieving power.

If arthritis is a problem try removing potatoes, tomatoes, and eggplant from your diet. These are know to agitate the condition. Some cases of arthritis have been cured by the simple elimination of potatoes, tomatoes, and eggplant!

Having stomach pain? Try fresh cut ginger-root. This is known to help with any stomach issues like nausea, morning sickness, and motion sickness. It is also available in a capsule or tea. Give it a try. Peppermint is another terrific cure for nausea.

Things to avoid with stomach issues are eggs, and milk. For that matter all dairy products. Milk is listed as one of the top 5 allergens in adults. If you notice gas or indigestion after consuming dairy, try a lactose free milk or soy milk.

Other foods to avoid for pain related problems are white flour and white sugar. Both these ingredients cause fluctuations in blood sugar levels which indirectly affect inflammation. Inflammation causes pain. Whole grain products are okay.

Still having aches and pains or menstrual cramps? Go to any health food store and find a calcium-magnesium mixture. It's available in powder form to easily make a drinkable solution. Or find the capsules. This is an amazing calming concoction as well. It helps with both pain and mild anxiety.

Our bodies perform better when natural remedies are used rather than synthetic chemicals. You'll not only save dollars, you'll save yourself!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


Prescription drugs. Most of us have had them at least once in our lives. We go the doctor with back pain, sore throat, a viral infection, broken bones, and perhaps surgical needs. It's so common to see your doctor write a prescription and without haste we consume these magic little pills.

I almost choked on my spaghetti when I saw an add for a pill that helps restless leg syndrome? It may cause strong sexual urges and impulsive gambling? Wow! When did the side affects of prescription drugs become more uncomfortable and dangerous than the afflictions they're supposed to be treating?

My exposure to prescription drugs happened without my knowledge. I was nine weeks old. I was born with a birth defect called bi-lateral club feet. Both legs were twisted from the knee down and my ankles were also twisted which left my feet upside down at birth. I was in surgery at nine and a half weeks old and faced with two more surgeries by the age of four.

I was on prescription drugs since an infant. Through the years I found myself with many medical hardships. I had an appendectomy, thyroid cancer, exploratory surgery on my fallopian tubes, two herniated disks, seizure disorder, panic attack disorder, and a brain aneurysm. Every doctor had a prescription pad and a pen full of ink. I seemed to always have been medicated.

Prescription drugs have a dual purpose for an addict. They help with a medical condition and they get the addict high if abused. I am an addict. And in order to feed my addictions, I never revealed this to any doctor. Because I was so accustomed to being on prescription drugs, it was and still is incredibly easy to get them from medical professionals. I didn't need to fake any condition. I had so many throughout life, a doctor would review my records and ask a question like, "so what medications do you find most effective?" Well, for an addict that's like a waiter taking your order.

I didn't ever think I was hurting myself by keeping my addiction problems from doctors. I don't think I even cared. I just seized the opportunity to get more presciption drugs. I've had a problem with opiates of every sort like Hydrocodone, Oxycodone, Oxycontin, as well as "benzos" like adevan, Valium, and Xanax and other prescription drugs like Methodone, Dilantin, Soma, Morphene and Phenobarbital. If it came in bottle, I took an excess.

The problem with prescription drugs is that they are simple to acquire. An alcoholic has it even tougher I imagine, as they have the temptation staring them in the face at every restaurant and grocery store. Unlike street drugs, it is legal to have a prescription drug on me. Doesn't the law realize for an addict, it's just as lethal as a syringe full of heroine?

At almost every "support" meeting I've attended over the years I've been asked; "what's your d.o.c. (drug of choice)? I finally came to realize my d.o.c. is a high. Plain and simple. The only way for me to stay clean and not fall is for me to decline prescription drugs when a doctor wants to give them to me. I still don't offer the information readily about my addiction problem. I take responsibility for my own well-being.

If the pain is horribly uncomfortable but I'm not dying, then I'll find a better way to cope than prescription drugs. Because one pill leads to countless bottles. And ultimately, another relapse.

I encourage every addict to honestly assess their addiction. You may be able to fool a thousand doctors in a lifetime, but it's only hurting yourself and keeping you from being the best that you can be. Say NO to DRUGS OF ALL KINDS! By eliminating one thing from your life, you will acquire so much more. I promise!

to be continued.....

Tuesday, April 8, 2008


Addiction is strange.
It knows no rationality.
It cares not what it takes from its victims.
It promises escape.
It delivers pain.

Addiction kills.
It mutilates the soul as if it were nothing.
It has no regard for the innocent families.
It comprises judgement and warps reality.
It steels years and invites death.

Addiction is powerful.
It remains alive if only dormant.
It waits for a moment of weakness.
It pounces like a tiger on unsuspecting bodies.
It conquers and destroys all .

I remember the first time I decided to abandon my beliefs that drug were bad. I was a good kid. I didn't experiment or ever even try a drug all through high school. I may have run away from home at 14 years old with a 19 year old man of questionable morals. But drugs weren't even a consideration. I was in B.A.D (Be Against Drugs Club) in ninth grade and I whole-heartedly believed that drugs were wrong.

I remained drug-free through 2 years of college. I even stayed clean as a stripper for my first year until I met a man, Jesse, who changed my mind. This wasn't a fight I gave up easily, mind you. When I heard from a co-worker Jesse smoked pot I couldn't believe it. I freaked! When I angrily confronted him, he said he used to do it but not lately.

I tried to explain how pot was so horrible. It smelled. It would just take away ambition and then he'd be into bigger and badder drugs like heroine! He said I was crazy. He explained that it just helped him relax after a show. See, Jesse was a drummer. And an incredible one I must say. He stills does it to this day.

Looking back, maybe I was extreme. But I had never tried it. I only knew what I was taught. And I was taught pot is a "gateway" drug that leads to other drugs.
I was afraid. I was worried. This perfect man didn't seem so perfect. But I loved him. What do I do?

I dropped the issue based on his word that he wasn't a pot smoker anymore. Silly, naive me. One evening I walked into the bathroom while he was in the shower. I smelled something funny; something yucky. When I pulled back the curtain there he was smoking a joint in the tub with the shower turned on. Boy did I lose it!

We fought and fought. Finally he said the words that changed my life forever. He asked, "how can you judge something you have never even tried?" Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but I had never tried jumping out of a plane without a parachute either, but I knew not to. Well, love somehow blurs my common sense and good judgment. It still does to this day.

So, I ran out of the apartment to my car and hopped in crying. I knew where I was going. I was going to Shawn's. He was my ex-boyfriend. I left him because he admitted he smoked pot every morning at the job-site. He did construction. I was a serious "zero-tolerance bitch". I admit it.

I arrived at Shawn's and told him I wanted to try weed. He was in a state of shock. I explained that I should try it before passing judgement. I didn't want to lose Jesse over this. Shawn just laughed and got the bong. He showed me how to pack it, light it, fill the chamber with smoke and release the carb, then inhale. He failed to warn me that I was going to cough and choke like I was in a house on fire with no oxygen! Damn! I was stoned off my ass after one bong toke.

Driving home was terrifying. I was going all of twenty miles an hour but it felt like a hundred. My eye-lids felt like cement blocks weighing on my poor red eyes. I stumbled out of the car and opened the door to find Jesse watching Speed Racer on Nick at Nite. I told him about my adventure. He rolled a joint and told me a bong was the wrong choice for a virgin. Well, a first-time pot smoker was what he meant.

We got stoned together. Somehow my drug-free beliefs were no more. I became a pot smoker that would rival any hippie in the sixties!

This was only the beginning of my run with drugs.....

to be continued