Friday, May 30, 2008


One hundred relapses. Hardly seems worth it to most I'm sure. People may think "what a waste of money" or "it didn't help". But on the contrary. Relapses are an evil reality to addiction. Out of over fifty people that were in the Scientology-based rehab known as Narconon, every single one had relapses. Most during and after they got out. Some just during.....perhaps. I have not kept in touch with any of them so they may have fallen since.

For me at least, since rehab, relapses carry with them the burden of accountability . Prior to going through rehab, I called it "partying" not "relapsing". And i still don't know how long you have to be drug-free before your use is called a "relapse". I mean if you skip one day, you're not relapsing because you never really stopped. Is it ten days, thirty days?

No matter what, once out of rehab, the high was different when I used. It didn't come care-free. With it were countless thoughts of family, friends, tears, losses, self-loathing, disgust, even acts of self-mutilization. I never was a "cutter" in my life until I relapsed.

I didn't relapse once. I've been in an altered state at least one hundred times in three years. I know you're asking yourself "why?". Well, there's the mind-boggling question even for me. I mean, nothing ever good came out of getting high. Well, I'm not including marijuana in that because, I don't care what our government says, weed isn't bad. I don't currently smoke it. I mean what job doesn't drug test..other than a stripper. So, I can't out of necessity. Back to my point, I know "using" costs money, requires association with dealers who do not have my best interest in mind, it kills brain cells, thwarts health, diminishes emotional realities, promotes paranoia, consumes the mind, destroys trust, and harms every worthy relationship. There has never been a time, since became an addict, that these things did not occur.

When I say never...I mean NEVER EVER EVER. It is inevitable that tragedy is but moments away if I relapse. So, being a somewhat intelligent girl,with a heart as big as our galaxy, how in the hell is it that I'd relapse more than once?

Addiction is simply fascinating. Whether it be gambling after a past of losing everything or drinking again after years of sobriety, or smoking crack after almost dying from it, the addiction has a real power. It does live. I'm not crazy. But it has a will. No matter how resistant I may be and how many times I can dodge its temptations it will not die. It will lay dormant. It will wait.

Now, am I saying no one avoids relapses? No. There are many who find another addiction as a substitute; working out, God, skydiving, etc... I haven't found my "distraction" from my disease yet. Now don't misunderstand me, I am on a role these days and staying clean. Mostly because my mother died for me. Had her funeral not been at that time and my family had not witnessed my condition, it would have most certainly been my funeral within 2 weeks most!

But, a relapse is only one hit away. Not a thousand, not a pound, a kilo, a gram...just one hit. Just one little tiny hit is all it takes to own me again. And if you're an addict too, you are that close as well. You won't do it "just one more time". Have you ever? We don't end up as addicts because of our astonishing discipline and self-control, my friend. We're addicts because there is never one....there is only the first of so many more.

It might be sad to those who are free of addiction. They may never understand it. Hell, i don't even understand it. But I do have to accept it. It is my reality. It burdens all who enter my circle in some way. Everyone pays a consequence for caring about an addict. Some experience this pain for years repeatedly.

To them I say, thank you. I love you. I hate that I am sick with addiction and I hate that it slashes your throat and stabs your back. I do try to control it every second of every day. But sometimes, I just get exhausted. I am ever conscious of my plight and I vow to fight the fight. Though it may seem I may not always win every battle, the war is long and I'm in it to win it.

Addiction is a monster. Getting clean is only the beginning. Staying clean is the hum-dinger. As cliche as it sounds, it starts with one minute at a time. Before you know it you made it through the whole day. Don't hate yourself for relapsing, learn something. Love yourself a little more so it won't be quite so easy next time for that monster to stay quite so long. If you love yourself completely, addiction could not come around. Why would it? You wouldn't give it any satisfaction .

Rather than using your energy to focus on the hate....conjure up some love for you! You are an incredible being with magical powers granted to you by this Universe....All you have to do is recognize it. Keep fighting.

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